Spewage from the brain of Pat

The Gilligan's Island Conspiracy

The professor was keeping the castaways on the island on purpose, and was using Gilligan as his dupe. Consider:

  1. He was the only person on the island who had his own hut.
  2. He "could not" get them off the island even though he was smart enough to build a nuclear reactor out of coconuts.
  3. He dated both Ginger and Mary Ann. Both.

In short, he had it better on the island than he ever would have it back on the mainland.

The Jordan Midget

You ever seen Michael Jordan play basketball? [Duh.] You know how his head sweats all the time? I think he should have, like, a midget who would run out during timeouts and wipe off his head. They could sell advertising on the midget, or the midget could do somersaults and stuff. Imagine Dick Vitale: "The Jorrdannn Midgeeeettttttt!!!!!"

Chameleon Eyes

I always thought it would be neat to have eyes like a chameleon, that you could move independently. While you're standing there talking to somebody, your other eye could be following a fly around.

The Sneaker VW Peanut Guy

Where I was growing up, there was this Planter's peanut factory, and there would be this guy standing around outside the plant wearing a Mr. Peanut costume. Also, there was some sporting goods store that had a VW beetle that was dressed up like a giant sneaker on wheels. I thought it would be cool to take a cross country trip, driving the VW Sneaker, and dressed like the peanut guy.

The Web Ends Here

Have your home page be a plain page that just says "The Web Ends Here", and include some Javascript that erases everything in the browser's history and bookmarks/favorites/hotlist folder. Then once someone got to your page, there'd be no way they could go anywhere else except by entering a URL manually. Oh, wait a minute. That's what porn sites do.

The Big Bathroom

Build your house really small, next to this stadium-sized building, and that would be your bathroom. Have everything inside be just HUGE, like a 20-foot toilet. When your friends come over and ask to go to the bathroom, you could nonchalantly say "Yeah, it's the last door on the left", and then act like nothing's unusual. When people say you have a really small house, you can say "Yeah, but it's got a BIG bathroom."

Age Benefits

I think they ought to make laws so that the older you get the more you can do. Like if you're over 80, you can rob. You could go into a store and just walk out with stuff. All you have to do is show your ID. If you're over 100, you can murder. Because it just doesn't matter...you're over 100! This all might vary from state to state -- you know, what you can do, can't do at which ages.

Sleeping Gas

They should inject sleeping gas in the cabins of airplanes on long flights. That way you wouldn't get so bored and uncomfortable. Flights would go very quickly. Hopefully the cockpit would be protected from the gas.

MX Missiles

Remember MX Missiles? Know where they're all deployed? All the weigh stations along the highway. Ever notice how they're always closed? Except for the missile trucks...


In DCL [the computer science building here on campus] there's a door on the second floor that says "Data". I think that's where they keep all the data. All we need now is a key.

Taco Blood

[Holding a hot-sauce packet from Taco Bell.] Hey, it'd be cool to cut a slit in one of these and put it in someone's shoe. They'd think they cut their foot! Man, that'd be hilarious!

Cheesing the Lasagna

When I used to work at Papa Del's, we had all these phrases we used for certain tasks that had to be done for making some of the food. Like when the lasagna would come around in the oven, after two turns you had to dump a big handful of cheese onto it. This was "cheesing the lasagna". Most of them made great sexual euphemisms. Whenever people would go on dates, we would say things like "Did you cheese her lasagna?" Others: spice her pie, oil her pan, put in the bread, bake her ravioli, clean her spinach, ....

Dharma Knows Pizza

This would be a great theme for a pizza place. "Dharma knows...we deliver to all planes of existence." The ad would picture a holy guy in a lotus position holding a pizza. You arrange the ingredients on the pizza like a mandala. There was something else about Jesus Christ and the rising of the dough, but I forget.

[Apparently D. Drda, a cartoonist, either has read these Musings from the Mind of Pat, or has a similar brain. This cartoon appeared in the Octopus, the first week of November 1997...several weeks after Pat's idea appeared here.]

Ice Skullcap

[To me, after I shaved my head for a Halloween costume.] You oughta spray water on that before you go outside, so it could freeze and you'd have this thick layer of ice, like an ice skullcap.

White Christmas

[Hearing Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas".] I always thought they should have used that for the theme song for "Malcolm X". They could show, like race riots in Atlanta and you'd be hearing Bing singing.

Coke Slots

It would be neat to have a combination coke machine and slot machine. You go to get a coke and the little things are spinning around and if three cokes come up, BINGO! The only trouble is you'd only play if you're thirsty. It wouldn't make enough money because nobody would play.

Judgment Day

I think this would be a good name for a trashy daytime talk show. You would go on and all the people who ever hated you would be on the show with you, and you'd have to face them.

Rubber Car

[While following a really slow driver on a narrow side street.] I wish I had a rubber car. Then you could just whack people out of the way. Whack! Get outta my way! I've got a rubber car!

Mm Hmm

[After being completely and repeatedly amused by a .wav recording of the sound of Billy Bob Thornton's Carl saying "Mm hmm" in Sling Blade.] You know what they oughta invent? Something you can squeeze to make that sound. Like one of them fart pillows. You'd squeeze it, and Mm hmm.

Shenanigan Flanigan

If I had a boy, I wanted to name him Shenanigan. Shenanigan Flanigan. You can just see the teacher calling roll. "Shenanigan Flanigan?"

Improving the Neighborhood

If you're going to buy a house in a nice clean neighborhood, you should spend about a year committing crimes in the neighborhood. Drive by shootings, that kind of thing. Property values would plummet. All the people would move out. You could get your house for really cheap. Then about a year later all the people would be going "What happened to all that crime? This really is a nice neighborhood!"

Paint Gun

Man, that'd be wicked to have a paint gun in your house. You'd be dangerous. You could be just explosive like for a minute and you'd, like, destroy your house.

Password Protection

Hey, I thought of a good password. All asterisks.

Rubber Bands

They oughta make edible rubber bands. Candy bands. Taffy bands. You can shoot 'em and eat 'em.

Don't worry, be happy

I always thought it'd be funny if they put you on hold on a suicide hotline and played "Don't worry, be happy". Or "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands"...something like that.

Post No Bills

Here's a great band name: Post No Bills. Then whenever you put up a poster announcing your show, nobody else can put up any more posters.

Exercise Fads

I'm going to come out with an exercise machine called the Ab-Laugher. It just tells jokes until you laugh so much your stomach hurts.

Drunk Tow

This is a towing service that tows you and your car home from a bar. You don't have to worry about taking a cab home, leaving your car behind, getting your car the next day, etc.

Floating Furniture

A space-saving tip: Furnish a room with inflatable furniture, all filled with helium. Couches, chairs, ... all float up against the ceiling. Lots of room to walk around. When you need to sit...pull one down.

Bunny vs. Squirrel

So... I saw this guy dressed in a bunny suit on the Quad and thought it would be funny to get a running start and tackle him. But then I thought, what if he were a Golden Gloves boxer, then he would kick my ass. So, wouldn't it be funny for people to challenge Bunny on the Quad and just get beat up by this Bunny in front of everyone. How humiliating. Then to go further, have another guy in a Squirrel costume hanging out somewhere else talking trash about Bunny and how he could kick Bunny's ass. Just get this rivalry going. Have them run into each other in bars and get in fights. What a great spectacle. No one would know who they were... just Bunny and Squirrel. Talking trash and getting drunk.

Bees in a Suitcase

Get an old suitcase and find a bees or hornets nest and put it inside. Shake it up really well and set it on the side of the road along the highway. Someone is bound to stop and pick it up. Then they drive off. Imagine the surprise.

Breathalyzer Phones

There should be mobile phones with built-in breathalyzers that do not allow you to make calls if your blood-alcohol level is too high. Also, there could be numbers that are the only ones you could call if the level was high enough.


It would be cool if there were a country named Boole, so that the people would be Booleans - no gray area at all. Everyone would know exactly where they stood on the issues. And the capital would be Woole, Boole. Then the national anthem would be obvious.

Exercise Furniture

They should make exercise equipment that doubles as furniture because within a day or so they are no longer used anyway and just take up space. So... combination Bowflex home gym/lamp and TV stand.

Steal of a Deal

Sell items on eBay using pictures of the items taken from security cameras with claims "Lowest Prices Anywhere", "No Guarantees", "Will Ship As Soon As Possible"... The last item for sale would be a security system with a picture taken of the camera by a person holding up a mirror.


I thought of a great headline when Larry King dies. "Larry King Dead".

Witch's Tit Ale

A new brew idea... "Witch's Tit Ale". Nothing is colder than a witch's tit. Superfreeze it so that it burns the skin because it is so cold. "Hey bartender... give me a tittie." There is a fortune to be made here.

All Ones

New idea for a game show. Someone comes out on stage and performs some bit. There are two panels of eight judges. One panel decides whether the person is fat. The other panel decides whether the person is loud. Each judge has a sign that has a 1 on one side and a 0 on the other, so obviously they can only hold up 1 or 0. The two eight bit numbers (from each panel) are put into the "magic multiplier machine", where they are bitwise and-ed... and voila... the winner is the closest to "All Ones"... fat and loud.

Free jokes

I just saw a guy on the street selling jokes for a quarter. I stood next to him for a while telling them for free. He didn't have much of a sense of humor.

Tom Magliery